Erotic Memories – The Happy Hooker

I was a very late developer as a teenager, painfully shy around boys, gawky and awkward. Whilst my classmates were busy drinking and snogging under motorway bridges, my close-knit group of geeky fellow virgins and I would play board games and jealously gossip about what they might be getting up to.

That doesn’t mean we weren’t interested in sex – far from it. We’d giggle our way through my friend M’s collection of porn films, muting the dialogue and making up our own. M, who “of course” later turned out to be gay, had a marvellous selection of erotic and pornographic material, from videos to magazines and books, which he would furnish the rest of us with occasionally like a celibate pimp.

My parents were very liberal, and I had received a pretty good sex education from them, but I was consumed by teenage hormones and wanted more. I therefore devoured most things on their bookshelves in the vain hope that some of the adult novels might contain racier passages.

Sadly, it seemed that my mother had not succumbed to the lure of the 80s bonkbuster, so I never read things like Riders or Lace, but instead had to make do with reading and re-reading things like passages from John Fowles’ “The Magus“, or the chapter on Sex in Desmond Morris’s “The Naked Ape“. These works tended to focus either very much on the romantic or the biological side of sex, and didn’t really teach me anything new.

One day, however, M lent me a book that really opened my eyes. It was The Happy Hooker, by Xaviera Hollander (not to be confused with the book about crochet with the same name!).

Written in the early 1970s, it was the memoir of a Dutch secretary who moved to New York in the swinging 60s and worked her way up various brothels to become one of the best known madams in the city, and it was certainly a revelation to me.

In it I read about lesbianism, bondage, spanking, golden showers, swinging and even a famous passage involving a German shepherd…I read it and re-read it, marvelling at the obvious uninhibited enjoyment of sex that clearly came across in all the anecdotes, and yes, I masturbated furiously to it.

(Reading various reviews of it now, the main thing that stands out is that apparently it’s badly written, but that actually the sex stands the test of time.)

Of course, eventually I had to give M his copy back, well-thumbed, and hopefully not too sticky… (I wonder if he ever disinfected it before and after lending it to others?!). I didn’t think of it again until I came across an audio cassette version a few years later, read by Ms Hollander herself.

I found that cassette again at the back of a cupboard over the weekend, in what was my “original” sex toy box.

I don’t suppose anyone out there still has a tape deck?

HappyHooker

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Kinky Shoes of the Week – Hello Mary Jane

I have a very high instep, so love a shoe with a strap to keep my feet from falling out of it. I therefore love a Mary Jane.

Good girls wear Mary Janes, right? They’re prim and proper, and reminiscent of schoolgirls with plaits, pleated skirts and white ankle socks.

What I love about these is that they subvert that ever so slightly. The heel is a little bit too high, and a little bit too tapered for a good girl. The front isn’t perfectly round – instead it hints at a cheeky point. And then there’s the colour – a deep, wine red burgundy that’s most definitely adult.

Finally, though, what is it about patent leather? Does the high shine reflect what you want to see in them? Polished enough, maybe you will catch a glimpse of what is hidden further up the leg? Can you see a reflection of my panties? That of course assumes I’m wearing any….

In Praise of the Humble Condom

A piece on the BBC News website today uses the opening of a new Thai restaurant called “Cabbages and Condoms” as a starting point for a discussion of why people are still embarrassed about buying condoms.

At this point I have to hold my hands up that my partner and I have used condoms for many years now. I’ve tried pretty much everything else over the years – the pill, the mini-pill, contraceptive injections, contraceptive implants…but all have disagreed with me in one way or another (intermittent bleeding, mood swings, numbness, pain, you name it), so we’ve always come back to “French letters”, and I have to say, I’ve kind of got fond of the little buggers over the years.

The humble condom gets a bad press, so I think it’s time I did a little bit of marketing in its favour. You see, apart from the obvious no side effects thing (assuming you don’t have a latex allergy), there are many other advantages to the humble Johnny over other methods of contraception:

1) The big one – no STDs. Probably not so much of a consideration if you are in a long-term relationship and you are sure of each others’ clean bill of health, but certainly a big pro nonetheless.

2) The reassurance that you know it’s working. I’m a sceptical kinda gal that likes to be sure – and who’s to say you took your pill on time? A condom gives you the extra reassurance that something is stopping the whole baby-making thing.

3) No wet patch. Yes, yes, I know – filthy, dirty sex is fabulous. All that squelching and bodily fluids…cum everywhere…mmmmm….but sometimes, just sometimes, it’s nice not to have to cup your hands under yourself and rush to the toilet to clean yourself up while hoping you don’t spill drops all over the carpet on the way. Or point your bum in the air to make sure it doesn’t dribble all over the sheets. (Waterproof mattress protector. Just saying.) Or rush off to the shower to get it off your cleavage. Think of the water you’re saving!

4) Easy to get hold of. If you’re really that embarrassed about sticking them in your basket with the bread and milk, just do your shopping online! You don’t even have to brave the embarrassment of paying for them at the checkout. Sorted.

5) Condoms are fun! Ribbing, flavours, different sizes – even glow in the dark ones. Have a giggle putting them on together (am I selling this to you yet?).

5a) They can in some instances enhance female pleasure – add a bit of ribbing for extra friction, and don’t forget that they can make some guys last longer…

6) They double up as handy balloons or water bombs.

So there you have it, my top reasons for condom lovin’. Now go slip one on and do the dirty. Cleanly.

Realism in Erotica

The more I overthink things, the more I have doubts.

I’ve been pootling about on the internet a lot reading about sex. This is of course nothing new. What is new, however, is that this time it is for “research”, rather than purely for pleasure. I’ve had a story idea in my mind for the last couple of weeks that doesn’t lend itself to being immediately written. It needs thought, and factual checking, and to be honest I am not sure it’s ever going to get written.

I did a bit of research for Morning Glory, specifically related to the mechanics and sensations of the male orgasm, and at the time I could not help but “cum” across similar pieces about the female orgasm. I was reminded of the fact that, if the internet is to be believed, only around three quarters of women achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Guess what? I’m one of them. It is also estimated that 10 to 15% of women struggle to reach orgasm at all (thankfully, I’m not one of them!).

Yet it seems standard practice in a lot of erotica that the female protagonist achieves multiple orgasms merely by looking at her partner (yes, E.L. James and her highly orgasmic virgin springs to mind here). I’m probably as guilty as the next person here (although I deliberately avoided this when I wrote Construction – the eagle eyed among you may have noticed that Jo did not orgasm at all).

Then there’s the thorny subject of safe sex. Sometimes the fumble for a condom can make a good literary device, whereas a more fantasy setting might do away with the messy real-life business of contraception.

By doing this, am I just as guilty of perpetuating myths about sex as, for example some might accuse mainstream porn of? Is it obvious enough that fiction is fantasy and should be taken with a pinch of salt?

Finally, how well can I get away with practices I have not experienced myself? At the risk of mentioning “that book” again, E.L. James has come in for a lot of criticism for the nature of the BDSM relationship between Christian Grey and Ana Steele, especially from those who do live in a “true” Dom/Sub relationship. While she has admitted that it is a fantasy of hers, I don’t recall her admitting she had direct experience of a lot of the practices. I don’t have experience of a male/male relationship, for example, but I have an idea floating around in my head that might involve something like that. Does the fact I am unqualified mean I should not bother?

There are two ways of looking at things I suppose; rule number one of writing anything is supposedly “Stick to what you know”. All well and good, but if that were true there would be a lot less historical fiction, crime fiction and certainly no fantasy! A good writer should overcome these obstacles and be able to transport you into a fictional world that either a) seems realistic or b) makes you suspend disbelief enough to just go with the story.

I should probably stop thinking and just get on with writing though, shouldn’t I…?

Kinky Shoes of the Week – Lace-Up High Heel Platform Sandals

 

 

Much as I love winter boots, another thing that pains me at this time of year is the lack of variety I can wear when it comes to footwear. Thank God, therefore, for ridiculous slut shoes that are only fit to be worn horizontally. And this pair fits the bill perfectly:

 

 

A much more reasonable price than the YSL boots – only £53. Available at Adults Only Club, who have some fabulously naughty fetish heels!